“Didn't know I was dead till I was 15... Never experienced love or hate... My generation's the blank generation.”

It’s the near future. The world order is collapsing. All good sense has gone out the window. Adam Ant still has a music career! And some maniac has given Toyah Wilcox a machine gun and a leading role in a film.

Crazy, eh?

Welcome to the world of Jubilee, where the nihilists have taken over the (derelict) building and don’t seem to exactly know what to do with it. Is this what punk was all about? I have no idea. I was only six when the Sex Pistols turned up and if I’m honest, I was more interested in collecting the Doctor Who cards they were giving away in packets of Weetabix at the time.

No Doctor Who cards in Jubilee, mind you. Although I’ll bet if you look close enough, there’s probably some Weetabix lurking in the background. And there is time travel, as good Queen Bess (Jenny Runacre) and her crystal a-maze-ing pal John Dee (Richard O’Brien) take a trip into their future to see what the yoof are up to.

And if you can shed any light, dear reader, answers on a postcard, please.

It looks like the yoof spend their time alternating between extreme gang violence, mooning over the telly and playing bingo. Whilst also trying to make it in the music business. Whilst also hating everything and everyone, including each other. To say their philosophy on life is confused would be putting it mildly. Or maybe that is what being a punk is all about?

Their leader appears to be a willowy nutcase half-wearing a man’s suit called Bod (Runacre, again). Her rag-tag gang of social misfits include an under-dressed sex maniac called Crabs (Nell Campbell), a buzz-cutted arsonist try-hard called Mad (Wilcox), a sort-of punk philosopher called Amyl Nitrate (Jordan), and brothers/sexual partners called Sphinx and Angel (Karl Johnson and Ian Charleson).

Murder seems a way of life (one unfortunate beau of Crabs’ gets suffocated to death when he fails to perform to her satisfaction), and the police’s approach to their job makes Judge Dredd’s look subtle.

As the atrocities rack up, and the clothes fall off, we’re treated to numerous pontifications about the state of the country and why plastic flowers are better than real ones. Meanwhile a scenery-chomping businessman called Borgia Ginz (Jack Birkett) is making a fortune out of their music. “You wanna know my story, babe... It's easy…” he explains, looking like he’s trying to eat his own face. “This is the generation who grew up, and forgot to lead their lives!... They were so busy, watching my endless movie!”. Subtle, eh? That’s right, Jarman, stick it to The Man!

We didn’t really need anyone to tell us that period of British history was somewhat depressing, but if you’re thinking “it can’t have been that bad, surely?”, I give you exhibit J, with London full of half-demolished houses in view of Tower Bridge, graffiti-covered parks and feral Toyah Wilcox.

The best thing about the film by an absolute mile is Jordan, who comes across as the only remotely authentic thing in it. Whilst everyone else is trying a teensy bit too hard, she’s telling them all to fuck off and pontificating on life with a barely-suppressed yawn: “Life in England these days is inflationary, but we're carrying on regardless - coping with misgovernment and idiocy on every side.”

I’m sure Jubilee is desperate to say something. Apparently that something may have been “we don’t actually know what ‘punk’ is. Erm, haircuts?”.