The 12 Christmases of British horror
Christmas, eh? Who cares? Why we do of course! And if you’re anything like me, one of the things you do every year is shoehorn a few Brit horror classics into your festive viewing. If you’ve not done it before, it’s not as much of a stretch as you might think. So join me, your jolly Brit horror Santa (well, my beard’s gone a bit white), as we take a stroll through films you might want to consider when planning your Christmas viewing. Yes, Scrooged is amazing. But is it British? No! These are, though…
The League Of Gentlemen Christmas Special
“No, I’m the f’kin gardener!” Let’s start with this one, a peerless reconstruction of the Amicus anthologies of yore as the Rev Bernice gets some unwelcome Xmas eve visits. The League Of Gentlemen in their original form never got better than this (although, see below). It also features Hammer star Freddie Jones (“Feel them! Feel the knackers!”) and Mark Gatiss in full-on Peter Cushing mode as Chinnery Sr. Want voodoo? Vampires? Cursed objects? Home invasion? It’s all here. And yes, all done very festively. And available on the BBC iPlayer.
Inside No. 9: The Devil Of Christmas
Speaking of The League Of Gentlemen, here’s what happens when two of them move from parodying Amicus films to parodying 70s TV horror. So we get a director (Derek Jacobi) re-watching some of his work from the 1970s and speaking in voiceover as something unspeakable happens in the studio, decades ago. The BBC’s Ghost Stories for Christmas were a mainstay of 70s Christmases, and this does an amazing job of re-creating one, even using old technology to give it a real, and unsettling, retro feel. The way the old cameras react to light on-set is particularly astonishing. Really creepy, with a boffo ending, and also available on the BBC iPlayer.
But Chris, they’re not films! I hear you say. And yes, you’re right, you young scamp. But if you haven’t seen them, as a fan of British horror (I assume), you do need to seek them out. Let’s move on to proper films, toot sweet.
Anna And The Apocalypse
Well, this took you by surprise, didn’t it? Expecting me to start with something from the 1970s, weren’t you? But I urge you to seek this one out if it’s new to you. A hybrid zombie / high school comedy / musical, with some absolutely belting tunes, Anna And The Apocalypse deserves to be better known. Don’t be fooled by the beginning - when it goes, it goes surprisingly hard. The stuff going on in the background as an unwitting Anna makes her way to school is genuinely astonishing, and only made better by the song she’s singing as she wends her merry way. Okay, so it’s not Shaun Of The Dead… but it’s much more entertaining than a million other Shaun rip-offs. And it’s set at Christmas! Last I saw, it was available on Channel 4’s on-demand service.
Tales From The Crypt
Only actually Christmassy for its first 10 minutes or so, but what a tinsel-tastic treat! Joan Collin wears a funky party hat while she twats her aged husband over the head with a poker, and cares not one jot that the kindly old gent has just given her a pricey-looking brooch. Cold. She then learns that a nutter has escaped from the local prison dressed as Santa, makes sure the house is secure, and continues with her nefarious plan, chucking the body down the cellar steps to the strains of "God rest ye, merrie gentlemen". Even colder. But IS the house secure? Of course not.
The Legend Of Hell House
Possibly the most realistic depiction of Christmas, 70s-wise, this one acts as a timely reminder of how infantilised we 21st century "grown-ups" have become. It is the week before Christmas at Hell House, the Mount Everest of haunted houses. But there's para- something work to be done! Enter Dr Barrett and his crew of misfits. There's shouty old Barrett himself, his brittle wife, a shrill medium with a chip on her shoulder, and the only survivor of a previous attempt to uncover the secrets of the house, who is suffering from a serious case of Post-Traumatic Spook Disorder. In a modern film you'd expect festive refs galore, but the only reason we know it IS Christmas is through the stark captions that punctuate proceedings. That's the reality of Christmas - it's just another day. It'll be cold, and wet. And people will die. Just like every other day. Suck on that, Dickens.
Scrooge
Speaking of Dickens… Bit of an outlier this one, but bear with me. Yes, it's the one with Albert Finney in it, and all the songs. But it's also got some great ghosts and maintains a real Brit horror feel throughout, due in no small part to the plethora of familiar faces cropping up in every scene. And it goes right off on one towards the end, as Scrooge ends up in a nightmarish vision of hell. Which I'm pretty sure wasn't in the book, but looks cool.
Whoever Slew Auntie Roo?
The most Christmassy of all the traditional Brit horrors, this one actually has the temerity to be set at, and focus on, Christmas itself. None of your "grown-ups cracking on with work", or "grown-ups using the festive season as an excuse to bludgeon a loved one to death" here! Instead we have a heart-warming tale of young orphans, odd old women, long-repressed trauma and shit-you-up hauntings. Proper Chrimbo.
Don't Open Till Christmas
I'm hesitating to recommend this, because it is terrible. But as the British answer to all those festive slashers produced in the US in the 70s and 80s, it deserves a place on this list (I suppose). This about sums it up: Ladies lose their clothes and die. Caroline Munro sings a song in the middle. A man dressed as Santa is attacked in a public toilet and has his nob hacked off. If that's all you need for your festive viewing, this is the film for you.
Dead Of Night
Another anthology, and another one where only one section is actually set at Christmas. This time it’s a children's Christmas party, cheerfully held at the scene of an historic child murder. "I'm not frightened! I'm not frightened!" But the whole film has a Christmas-day feel, with people sitting around a cosy-looking living room, telling ghostly tales.
Bloody New Year
Yes, okay. But it's only a week after the big day, and there's still a lot of tinsel drawing- pinned to the walls in this amiable mess from Brit horror legend Norman J Warren. And there is snow, of sorts.
The Amazing Mr Blunden
"We three kings of Orient are, my dears!" This is more like it, a NICE film for Christmas, with a few sort-of ghosts in the mix. Pour yourself a Bailey's and settle down with some true British cinema stars for a tear-jerker that starts with a full-on snow-swept Victorian Christmas and just gets better from then on. Basically, it asks what would have happened to The Railway Children if they dabbled in hallucinogens.
The Muppet Christmas Carol
Got to admit, I’d run out of references by this point. I dabbled with a half-remembered scene in The Beast In The Cellar, but let’s not go there. EVER again. So Let’s finish on this, the greatest depiction of Dickens on the big screen. With at least one unsettling ghost (Christmas past), one vaguely scary one (Christmas yet-to-come), and Michael Caine’s best performance. Remarkably faithful to the book, about as Christmassy as it is possible to be, and British. Let’s not be cynical, people. It’s Christmas!
