New review! Assault

Hello, and welcome back to the British horror films website. Don’t worry, it may have been a while, but I haven’t given up on chronicling all this ancient bollocks just yet.

Speaking of male reproductive organs, this week we unearth a “classic” which, it appears, was  aimed straight at them. If you like your “schoolgirls” well past voting age and hanker after the days when older men could, and indeed were expected to, freely help themselves to a squeeze at every opportunity, then Assault is the film for you. Although here’s hoping that you’re more about the retro charm than the sexual assault, because otherwise this is going to be a tad uncomfortable. And I don’t think we can be friends.

“Thanks, I just had it stuffed”. Sums up the film perfectly, this shot.

Assault is a film about an assault (two of them, in fact) and the aftermath. Which basically involves a lot of seedy men lusting after young women in short skirts. And if you’re thinking “that sounds a bit like a Carry On film”, you’re not wrong.

So let’s all head back to the early 70s and try and guess which future pop, film and TV star is going to explode for a reason I’m not entirely sure is plot-related.