I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle
1990

All hail the rightful heir to all the low budget 70s flicks I've been championing on this site!
It's just a shame Neil "Lock Up Your Wife" Morrisey was involved. Mr Morrisey, for everyone outside Blighty who hasn't got a clue who he is, is the crap half of a crap double act from a crap British sit com called Men Behaving Badly.
He was also likeable dunderhead Rocky from the 90s "comedy drama" (oh, the horror) Boon.
And most recently, he's been responsible for nearly destroying the marriage of Les Dennis. So he's not all bad, then.
Les Dennis, for all those of you who don't know, was the crap half of a crap comedy duo from the eighties, who somehow managed to maintain a "showbiz" career following the death of his colleague.
But enough of these f-list celebrities, let's talk about the film. IBAVM was made on a shoestring budget around the streets of Birmingham by the team who brought us Boon - but don't hold that against it.
It starts with a brutal gang war on a patch of waste ground as some nutter performs a black magic ritual (like you do).
Said nutter gets a crossbow bolt in the back of the head during the scuffle, falling head first into the bonfire. However, this doesn't appear to stop him, and he gets up - then, for reasons best known to himself, slices his own throat and pours the blood into the fuel tank of a nearby motorbike.
Enter Mr Morrisey as biker Noddy, who buys the bike, takes it home and starts doing it up. The bike then runs amok, killing everyone who gets in its way and searching out the members of the gang responsible for the crossbow attack.
There's blood a-plenty, lots of awful jokes, and a couple of interesting characters involved - plus a talking turd in a totally gratuitous scene which plumbs new depths of bad taste. Great.
For the anally retentive, there's a lot of in-jokes and referencing going on as well. Noddy is haunted by the ghost of his dead friend (An American Werewolf In London), Michael Elphick's police inspector appears to be modelled closely on Donald Pleasance in Death Line or the bumbling oafs in the Dr Phibes films, the bike's wheel mounted blades (and their effect) bring to mind Horror Hospital… I could go on (and I do). Really for anyone who has an interest in this genre, this film is a must-see, if only to see that some people do try and keep the flame burning - and the blood flowing.

I Bought a Vampire Motorcycle (1990)
Director: Dirk Campbell Writer(s): Mycal Miller John Wolskel
Cast: Neil Morrissey - Noddy, aka Nick Oddie, Amanda Noar - Kim, Michael Elphick - Inspector Cleaver, Anthony Daniels - Priest, Andrew Powell - Roach, George Rossi - Chopper, Daniel Peacock - Buzzer, Midge Taylor - First Road Toad, David Daker - Desk Sergeant, Burt Kwouk - Fu King Owner, Brendan Donnison - Satanist High Priest, Graham Padden - P.C. Ben E. Dorm, Paula Ann Bland - Hospital Nurse (as Paula-Ann Bland), Teddie Thompson - Hospital Sister, Terence Budd - Bike Shop Dealer, Ann Casson - Mrs. Bancroft, Douglas Campbell - Mr. Bancroft, Richard Smith - Curate, Roy Alon - P.C. Harold, Frederick Eaves - Old Man, Ed Devereaux - Pub Landlord, Howard Belgard - Grafitti Artist, Jim Alan - Grafitti Artist, James McCarthy - P.C. Doughnut, Pauline Bennion - W.P.C. Hotdog, Nigel Campbell - P.C. Splattered, Peter Brookes - Drunk Driver, Teresa Campbell - Hospital Receptionist, Jay Roberts - Ambulance Man, Alan Frank - Ambulance Man, Jenny Roberts - Traffic Warden, Charlotte Martin - Prostitute, Peter Lovstrom - Gym Trainer, Dave Morris - Gym Trainer, Scott Atkins - Jim, Despatch Rider, John Wolskel - Clive, Despatch Rider, Tommy Moon - Milkman, Doughnut Noar-Morrissey - Slasher The Dog, David Jones - Plain Clothes Detective, Ian Brooker - Funeral Priest, Dinah Blunt - Old Man's Nurse, Colin Campbell - Moped Rider, Esta Charkham - Mrs. P.C. Harold