“Fetish men in Africa, witches in England… there may be more of a connection than you’d think.”

The Witches is Hammer’s proto Wicker Man, a heady brew of occasional scares, countryside weirdness, Sindy dolls and barking-mad, anything-goes formation dancing.

Don’t think about it too much, because it doesn’t make a huge amount of sense. Just be like Joan Fontaine – no matter what the village of Heddaby throws at you, retain a detached air of indifference, keep your hair-do in order and try and avoid the marauding sheep.

We start our tale of witchcraft in Africa, as in a tour-de-force opening, teacher Gwen Mayfield (Fontaine) is frantically packing her things after upsetting the local witch doctor. She’s too late, though, as despite her assertations that “nothing can eat your soul!”, in bursts something that appears to want to do just that.

But don’t worry too much about this, because it doesn’t have a huge amount to do with the rest of the film. Back in England (“Waiter! We’d like some tea!”), Gwen is being interviewed by Alan Bax (Alec McCowen)for a job at his “well endowed”(?) private school. She explains about the tribal rebellion and how things “got out of hand”, and despite coming across like a complete loon, gets the job as head teacher. 

Arriving at the village of Heddaby, she meets the local butcher (rubbing his knife, a bit too suggestively), her new home help (a young Michelle “Ooh, Betty” Dotrice) and Stephanie (Kay Walsh), the gin-swilling sister of her new benefactor.

Alan, who Gwen had assumed was the local vicar because of his dog collar, turns out to be nothing of the kind. In fact, there’s not even a local church, it having fallen into disrepair 200 years ago. “It’s all perfectly harmless, you’ll see”, she’s assured.

“I wanted to enter the church, but I failed…” Alan says, sadly.

At the school Gwen remarks at how all the children look the same (“Oh yes, centuries of in-breeding…” she’s informed) and is later treated to a particularly vivid rabbit de-skinning at the butcher’s shop.

What the rabbit got is nothing compared to young Linda Riggs, though, whose granny may or may not have put her granddaughter’s hand through the mangle. On hearing this, Gwen goes to see granny, only to be asked if she’s ever had a poultice made of mouldy bread – which is the kind of statement designed to derail most conversations. Not only is granny a wonder with herbs, but she appears to be able to talk to cats. Given Gwen’s recent experiences, you’d think this would ring some alarm bells, but no.

Linda is one of her older students, and despite a propensity for carrying dolls around, is clearly beginning to get some grown-up ideas about what she might do with boyfriend Ronnie. A state of affairs which no-one in the village seems particularly happy about.

As preparations for the local pageant get into full swing, Ronnie is taken ill, falling into a coma. Ronnie’s dad points the finger at old granny Rigg, and when Linda’s boy doll is found stuck with pins, Joan thinks she might have sussed what’s going on. Or should that be witch is going on?

Stephanie Bax agrees but discounts it (“it’s a sex thing deep down of course…”)

“Fetish men in Africa, witches in England… there may be more of a connection than you’d think.”

With the seed planted, Gwen is now beginning to freak, mistaking a feather duster for a voodoo totem. When Ronnie’s dad is found drowned after announcing his intention to have it out with granny Rigg, she decides to investigate the scene of his death. But her Miss Marple activities are curtailed by a flock of sheep, who knock her flying and destroy any evidence there might have been.

A now thoroughly distracted-looking Gwen is led away under the gaze of the entire village, waking up in a hospital after a voodoo-tinged fever dream. Her doctor (Leonard Rossiter) tells her it’s been over a year since the voodoo shenanigans in the mission hut. Then she sees a Sindy doll, and her memories come flooding back. “The girl… the girl… they keep her a virgin, because…” (terrified face)

Quite how she’s leapt to this conclusion is anyone’s guess. But she may be onto something, because after a quick flit from the hospital she returns to the village to be told “they’ve got the girl…”

Worried looks abound every time Gwen mentions her suspicions of witchcraft, but there IS something going on at the abandoned church – and before you can say “I have no idea what everyone’s motivation is, here”, things have gone decidedly bonkers.

Pretty much the entire village is part of a convoluted scheme by Stephanie to extend her life by taking over young Linda’s body. This involves them dressing in rags and eating poo, then dancing around the church in a way that just cries out for someone to take this scene, add in a bit of K-Pop and stick it on TikTok.

Luckily, Gwen is on hand to put a stop to all this nonsense with yet another sudden conclusion-leap, which breaks some kind of spell (no explanation needed, clearly) allowing Gwen to keep her job at the school and everyone (apart from Stephanie, obviously) to live happily ever after.

The Witches is nuts, albeit in a tweedy, middle-class sort of way. Not exactly terrifying, it does have a few genuine creepy moments. The opening scene is great, and there’s what is probably a completely accidental bit towards the end with a cat inside a puppet which raises proper chills.

Joan Fontaine looks properly freaked out throughout. A strange but satisfying bit of nonsense.