Ah, they don't make films like this any more. Jarring electronic soundtracks,
near-future settings with the world on the brink of oblivion, Rutger Hauer
as a cop on the edge, blue neon-saturated sets and someone saying "What
the fuck?" every 30 seconds. I haven't seen the trailer for
Split Second, but I would imagine it went the same way as the other
20 trailers for Rutger Hauer films at the beginning of my copy: "Rutger
Hauer is Stone, a cop on the edge. In a flooded London of the future he
must track down a vicious serial killer to save his own soul..."
What is perhaps most surprising about Split Second is when it was
made. From the look and feel of it (macho posturing, enormous guns, lots
of swearing, 80s uber babe Kim Cattrall, Rutger "I'm a big fat tit
who can't act" Hauer) you'd expect it to hail from about 1985. Unbelievably,
it hit our cinema screens and sank without trace in 1991.
Sadly, it's a British film that tries desperately to be American, it's
not in the least bit frightening and it's laughably bad. So not only does
that explain it's hopelessly-out-of-time crap performance at the box office,
but it also explains its presence on this website along with a long line
of American funded embarrassments. Sit down, open a beer, send the "little
lady" to bed, switch off your brain and enjoy.
It's 2008, and there's nothing our Rutger (Stone) enjoys more than driving
around flooded London in his big jeep listening to news reports about
global warming. After bursting into an S&M Club (£50 to watch
a cellulite-ridden dominatrix wobble about on stage? I think not), and
threatening a Rottweiler ("Police, dickhead!"), Stone finds
a girl ripped apart in the toilets, the words "I'm back" written
in blood on the walls.
"I can hear your heartbeat," Stone whispers. "I'll find
you. I'll find you, you fuck!"
Not only does Stone like using the f-word, but apparently a serial killer
murdered his partner, and he now exists on "anxiety, coffee and chocolate",
according to his boss. And let's have three cheers for the immortal lines:
"They say he's the best."
Hip-hip-hooray. Anyway, after being told he's back on the force (he'd
been suspended, apparently - probably for being a big fat tit), Stone
is introduced to his new partner, Dick Durkin (Neil Duncan), a (wait for
it) by-the-book rookie who wears a suit, shags his girlfriend every night
and is a whizz at psychological profiling. Although Stone immediately
hates him, who wants to lay bets that he'll still not like him by the
end of the film? Thought not.
Stone takes delivery of a refrigerated box containing the heart of the
recently-murdered girl, with a bite taken out of it. Then the pair are
informed of another murder. Arriving at the crime scene, they find astrological
symbols drawn in blood on the ceiling ("He must be 10ft tall..."),
and Stone goes bonkers in the streets, firing his big gun into the air
and shouting "He's out here somewhere... I tell you, he's watching..."
Durkin deduces that the killer must be a "psychotic psychopath",
and Stone bumps into his dead partner's widow (Kim Cattrall) who he apparently
had an affair with and dumped shortly after her husband's murder. Obviously
the kind of girl who likes being treated like shit, she resumes the relationship
without so much as a single "Where have you been?", and
before you can say "nice tits" she's jumped into his shower
and been the unwitting near-victim of the killer, who stalks her psycho-like
before deciding to bump off the woman in the next room.
Stone and Durkin burst in, only for Durkin to get shot through a window
by the killer, who takes a lump out of Cattrall's shoulder on his way
out of the building.
Luckily, Durkin was wearing a shotgun-proof vest, but the experience has
made him a changed man (much like his counterpart in Beverly Hills Cop).
It has become clear that it's not a man they're hunting, but a monster
- a bullet proof, 10ft Alien-alike which has the same DNA structure as
all its victims (including Stone's dead partner, Cattrall and even Stone
himself, who was nastily slashed by the monster when his partner bought
Anyone attacked by the thing who survives develops a psychic link with
it - hence Stone's bizarre behaviour. After another near miss with the
monster, Durkin's mind is unbalanced even further: "That wasn't a
human, it was a fucking 'it'! We're going to need bigger guns!",
and before you can give another three cheers for the police boss saying
"I don't believe this shit!", conclusions have been hastily
jumped to which lead Stone, Durkin and a kidnapped Cattrall back to the
Undergound station where Stone first met the monster, for an explosive
Split Second is great - unintentionally hilarious, reasonably well-made
and very, very wet. If you like dialogue like "Are you telling me
that there is something running loose around this city, killing people
and eating their hearts to send them to hell?" (Police chief)
Or: "We're not chasing it... it's chasing us!" (Stone)
Or: "Satan... is in deep shit!" (Stone, again)
Then you're going to love this. There's even an appearance by noted Warrington
thesp Pete Postlethwaite as a Stone-hating foul-mouthed cop. Split
Second - utter rubbish, with possibly the worst final scenes ever.
Even the name of the film doesn't make sense...
Split Second (1991)
Director: Tony Maylam Ian Sharp Writer(s): Gary Scott Thompson
Cast: Rutger Hauer - Harley Stone, Kim Cattrall - Michelle, Neil Duncan
- Dick Durkin, Michael J. Pollard - The Rat Catcher, Alun Armstrong - Thrasher,
Pete Postlethwaite - Paulsen, Ian Dury - Jay Jay, Roberta Eaton - Robin, Tony
Steedman - O'Donnell, Steven Hartley - Foster, Sara Stockbridge - Tiffany, Colin
Skeaping - Drunk, Ken Bones - Forensic Expert, Dave Duffy - Nick 'The Barman',
Stewart Harvey-Wilson - The Killer, Paul Grayson - The Killer, Chris Chappel
- Rat Catcher's Assistant, Charlotte Hick - Little Girl, Morris Paton - Jogger,
Tina Smith - Mutilated Woman, John Bennett - Dr. Schulman, Martin Ronan - First
Ambulance Attendant, Phil Smeeton - Second Ambulance Attendant, Tony Sibbald
- Bald Man in Suit, Jason Watkins - Coroner's Assistant, Tina Shaw - Nightclub
Stripper, Rob Edmunds - Policeman, Papillon Soo - Waitress (as Papillon Soo
Lam), Rikki Howard - Cage Security Policewoman, Alan Stocks - Policeman, Paul
Casey - Policeman, Susan Aderin - Precinct Policewoman, Sheila Hyde - Precinct
Policewoman, Jan Van Hool - Precinct Policewoman, Cathy Walker - Precinct Policewoman,
Angie Hill - Nurse (as Angie Hill-Richmond), Vanessa Victor - Girl in Nightclub,
Jadene Doran - Girl in Nightclub, Lorraine Pascale Woodward - Girl in Nightclub,
Lisa Roudette - Girl in Nightclub, Bibi Bohorquez - Girl in Nightclub, Debra
Rodman - Girl in Nightclub, Liz Lisfield - Girl in Nightclub, Maia Jopling -
Girl in Nightclub, Mayumi Cabrera - Girl in Nightclub, Bill Baker - Hovercraft
Pilot, Dolores Hernández - Girl at Bar, Gordon Winter - Police Medic, Marc Quinn
- Guy in Nightclub, Atilla - Person at Bar, Padraig Casey - Policeman, Murray
Forrest - Policeman, Daniella Rich - Girl in Nightclub, Shend - Precinct Policeman,
Tasty Tim - Transvestite, Whiskers - Girl in Nightclub
Poster and more pictures