Incense For The Damned
There are some films that are just beyond description. Say hello to Incense
For The Damned (or Bloodsuckers, as it was also called). What the
hell it's about is anyone's guess. I bloody well don't know, anyway.
What I do know is it's hilarious. The hero, a private eye hired to find
Peter Cushing's son (Patrick bloody Mower, again) tries to keep us updated
on what's going on with his comical voiceovers, and then we've got other
actors speaking their lines like they're reading them over the shoulders
of their co-stars, or just making them up as they go along.
Anyway, our hero follows the trail to a Greek island, where he meets up
with Patrick Macnee (lending the film some gravitas, but not much). It
turns out old Mower has only gone and got himself involved with the local
vampires - especially a saucy bit of stuff called Chriesis (Imogen Hassall,
who appeared in a couple of Carry Ons and spends much of this film caked
in fake tan and falling out of her top), who is exerting some kind of
power over him.
There's a couple of deaths and then Mower is eventually coaxed back to
England, where he promptly rips his girlfriend's throat out with his teeth
(like you do). Watching this is quite a bizarre experience. It's obviously
been cut to pieces - people appear and disappear with little or no explanation,
and there doesn't seem to be a great deal of point to anything anyone
does. But then, when has that ever stopped me watching a film?
At one point there's a drug fuelled orgy that seems to have been bunged
in at the last minute. There's also plenty of comedy fights, possibly
the most annoying woman ever to appear in a British Horror Film in the
form of Mower's girlfriend (and she's up against some stiff competition
from the bints in The Deadly Bees and Tower
Of Evil, let me tell you), and a vaguely homosexual sub-plot that
fizzles out somewhere near the middle of the film.
Lots of donkey riding, too.
Incense for the Damned (1970)
Director: Robert Hartford-Davis Writer(s): Julian More, Simon
Raven (novel Doctors Wear Scarlet)
Cast: Patrick Macnee - Derek Longbow, Johnny Sekka - Bob Kirby, Alexander
Davion - Tony Seymore, Peter Cushing - Dr. Walter Goodrich, Edward Woodward
- Dr. Holstrom, Madeleine Hinde - Penelope, Patrick Mower - Richard Fountain,
Imogen Hassall - Chriseis, William Mervyn - Marc Honeydew, David Lodge, John
Barron, Françoise Pascal, Valerie Van Ost