Dead Man's Shoes
The Last Horror Movie
Shaun Of The Dead
The Weekend Murders
Kiss Of The Vampire
The Devil's Men
Three Cases Of Murder
O Lucky Man

Incense For The Damned

There are some films that are just beyond description. Say hello to Incense For The Damned (or Bloodsuckers, as it was also called). What the hell it's about is anyone's guess. I bloody well don't know, anyway.
What I do know is it's hilarious. The hero, a private eye hired to find Peter Cushing's son (Patrick bloody Mower, again) tries to keep us updated on what's going on with his comical voiceovers, and then we've got other actors speaking their lines like they're reading them over the shoulders of their co-stars, or just making them up as they go along.
Anyway, our hero follows the trail to a Greek island, where he meets up with Patrick Macnee (lending the film some gravitas, but not much). It turns out old Mower has only gone and got himself involved with the local vampires - especially a saucy bit of stuff called Chriesis (Imogen Hassall, who appeared in a couple of Carry Ons and spends much of this film caked in fake tan and falling out of her top), who is exerting some kind of power over him.
There's a couple of deaths and then Mower is eventually coaxed back to England, where he promptly rips his girlfriend's throat out with his teeth (like you do). Watching this is quite a bizarre experience. It's obviously been cut to pieces - people appear and disappear with little or no explanation, and there doesn't seem to be a great deal of point to anything anyone does. But then, when has that ever stopped me watching a film?
At one point there's a drug fuelled orgy that seems to have been bunged in at the last minute. There's also plenty of comedy fights, possibly the most annoying woman ever to appear in a British Horror Film in the form of Mower's girlfriend (and she's up against some stiff competition from the bints in The Deadly Bees and Tower Of Evil, let me tell you), and a vaguely homosexual sub-plot that fizzles out somewhere near the middle of the film.
Lots of donkey riding, too.

Incense for the Damned (1970)
Director: Robert Hartford-Davis Writer(s): Julian More, Simon Raven (novel Doctors Wear Scarlet)
Cast: Patrick Macnee - Derek Longbow, Johnny Sekka - Bob Kirby, Alexander Davion - Tony Seymore, Peter Cushing - Dr. Walter Goodrich, Edward Woodward - Dr. Holstrom, Madeleine Hinde - Penelope, Patrick Mower - Richard Fountain, Imogen Hassall - Chriseis, William Mervyn - Marc Honeydew, David Lodge, John Barron, Françoise Pascal, Valerie Van Ost