“Where’s his head?”

“Take your pick - they’re over there.”

I Bought A Vampire Motorcycle was made on a shoestring budget around the streets of Birmingham by the team who brought us the 90s TV show Boon. 

It starts with a brutal gang war on a patch of waste ground as nearby, someone performs a black magic ritual (like you do). 

The black magicker gets a crossbow bolt in the back of the head during the scuffle, falling head first into the bonfire. However, this doesn't appear to stop him, and he gets up - then, for reasons best known to himself, slices his own throat and pours the blood into the fuel tank of a nearby motorbike. 

Enter Neil “Men Behaving Badly” Morrisey as biker Noddy, who buys the bike, takes it home and starts doing it up. The bike then runs amok, killing everyone who gets in its way and searching out the members of the gang responsible for the crossbow attack. 

There's blood a-plenty, lots of awful jokes, and a couple of interesting characters involved - plus a talking poo in a totally gratuitous scene which plumbs new depths of bad taste. 

It’s a film which harks back - intentionally or unintentionally, to the classic era of British horror. Noddy is haunted by the ghost of his dead friend (An American Werewolf In London), Michael Elphick's police inspector appears to be modelled closely on Donald Pleasance in Death Line or the bumbling oafs in the Dr Phibes films, the bike's wheel mounted blades (and their effect) bring to mind Horror Hospital…

Made at a time when British horror was at a pretty low ebb, its an oddity which shows that some people were keen on keeping the low-budget, quickie exploitation flame burning - and the blood flowing.