Jake West's Evil Aliens (2005)

Alien abduction. It’s not something you hear a great deal about these days. Perhaps because after decades of thinking that all aliens wanted to do was fanny about in remote cornfields like a bunch of insane extra terrestrial Tony Harts, we just don’t think they’re scary any more. So the woolly-hatted, George At Asda nutters have moved on to conspiracy theories about Diana and 9/11, rather than claiming to have been wrapped in clingfilm and treated like a human toffee apple.

But that didn’t stop director Jake West from foisting this little low budget “gem” on us. “Hang on a minute, Chris,” I know you’re saying, “you never usually mention the director of these films, because you obviously can’t be bothered to find out who they are. What’s different this time?”

Well, dear reader, the difference is that Mr West is a cinema behemoth, up there with yer Polanskis and Ford Coppolas (quiet at the back, I’m going somewhere with this) as a purveyor of celluloid brilliance. How do I know this? Well, not from actually watching Evil Aliens, which is about as far from a piece of celluloid brilliance as it’s possible to get. No, I know this because Jake thinks enough of his work, and the high esteem in which his name is held, to actually call his film “Jake West’s Evil Aliens”. Yup, that’s right. And it’s right there, in front of you, at the beginning of the film, in great big letters. Take a moment to digest this. The director and writer of this film, this low budget tale of extra terrestrials battling busty beauties, in-bred farmers and nerds on a fictional Welsh island, loved what he created so much he decided to mark its birth by giving it what I can only describe as a chav tattoo of its dad’s name. You know, like “George Lucas’s Star Wars”, “Stephen Spielberg’s Jaws” or “Orson Welles’ Citizen Kane”. Oh, hang on a minute… those directors didn’t do that, did they? I wonder why…

Then again, you can see why Mr West decided to stamp his monicker on the film. The acting, the effects, the story, it’s all absolutely first-rate. From the moment an abductee is anally raped by a giant drill in unflinching close-up in the opening scenes to the climactic “death by combine harvester” massacre, the only thought going through your head is “never mind BAFTAs, this thing should have swept the board at the fucking Oscars”.

Of course, I may be being a tad harsh here on a film which never tries to be anything other than a gross-out tits n’ blood horror comedy for emotionally retarded teenagers. Which would be fine, if it was at all funny. Or scary. Or actually had any real nudity in it. Or, for that matter, any great gore effects.

There are two positives I took from Jake West’s Evil Aliens. The first was that it’s got Emily Booth in it, and the girl is always good value as a feisty, cleavage-wielding tart. The second is that, astonishingly, the UFO effects are actually, in the main, really good. Despite the now considerable age of the film, the computer graphics used to illustrate the spinning ships really work.

But everything else is woeful. Here’s the storyline – Jake West’s evil aliens have been abducting people on a remote Welsh island. Emily Booth is Michelle Foxx, a low-rent presenter in a low-cut top on a low-budget satellite TV channel (something of a stretch for her, ho-ho) who presents a programme about alien sightings. Given an ultimatum about the overall quality of the show, she begs for one last chance – there has been what appears to be a genuine sighting on an island off Wales. She travels there with a cameraman, soundman, actors and nerdy UFO expert™ to interview the only survivor of the bum-drilling scene from the beginning of the film, who is now pregnant with a Jake West evil alien baby.

There then ensues a typically stupid, gore-strewn battle between the humans and Jake West’s evil aliens, who are still hanging around for some reason. Then the Jake West evil alien mother ship turns up, meaning there’s now an army of Jake West’s evil aliens running amok on the island. Luckily, there’s also a surfeit of Jake West evil alien-killing equipment lying about, ranging from intermittently operational chainsaws to highly effective shotguns, and the aforementioned combine harvester.

Will anyone escape alive from the menace of Jake West’s evil aliens? Will the first victim give birth to a Jake West evil alien? Will any viewers with an IQ of more than 52 make it to the end of the film (unlikely)?

I dunno, perhaps there is a ready audience for such a chuckle-free, intelligence insulting waste of 90 minutes. And perhaps Jake West is even now working on a heartbreaking work of staggering genius which will astound us all and give Jake West’s Evil Aliens a context which will make it clear just why he called it Jake West’s Evil Aliens.

Perhaps. Over to you, Jake West.

Last updated: July 11, 2011